I was thinking just now about the wonderful new friends I’ve made who have dysautonomia. How much understanding and support we share. What great people we are. I started thinking to myself and wondering what life would have been like if I hadn’t gotten ill.
But- I wasn’t thinking ‘if only I hadn’t gotten ill then I could do x, y, z’. No. I was thinking- if I hadn’t gotten ill, I wouldn’t be the person I am now and I actually really like the person I am now. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like a lot of the symptoms and frustrations that come along with having dysautonomia but in a way, because of them I am a better person. Because of them, I am more compassionate. I can relate to suffering in others because I have suffered myself.
If I hadn’t gotten ill and suffered the resulting depression, I would never have gotten into my field of work (hypnotherapy).
I went through a really tough time when I was first ill. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I was terrified. I was nauseous all the time and could barely eat. I lost a stone in weight and I was already very slim to begin with. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong and put it down to ‘stress’ and ‘panic attacks’. Family members asked me if I had an eating disorder. I wanted desperately to be able to enjoy food again but I felt sick to my stomach every day. I was panicking because I was terrified I’d never get better because no one, least of all myself, knew what was wrong. Every strange symptom I had, I blamed myself for. I felt weak, stupid, a failure- like I was creating it all myself by ‘panicking’. I had no idea I had a physiological problem causing all these strange symptoms!
But- because I thought I was to blame, I didn’t end up suffering with the helplessness a lot of people feel when they get a diagnosis and know something is ‘wrong’ with them. Because I thought it was my fault- I took action! I read all the positive and inspiring ‘self help’ books that I could. I cured my own depression by giving myself hope, by becoming emotionally strong- positive- a fighter. It took time (years in fact) and tenacity, but I did it!
If I’d never been ill in the first place, I would never have found this depth of strength and inner light within myself. I’d always wanted to reach out to others and inspire them, but if I’d never been ill, I would probably have never found a way to do so. But now? Now I can. Because I understand suffering- I’ve been there. There was a time when I honestly felt like hope had died within me and that things would never get any better. I remember the moment. I lay on my bed in the gloomy light after winter sunset and I just didn’t want to get up. All I could see ahead of me was a life of endless suffering and if that was to be my life, I didn’t want it.
But even in the most awful of circumstances, hope can grow. So if you or anyone you know is suffering a lack of hope, don’t despair. Things can and do get better. It takes time. It takes patience. There are ups and downs. But you will find that you have an inner strength and fighting spirit you never knew you had. Let it drive you on, fuel you forwards and you never know what you might achieve. Even if it’s something that to others seems insignificant, like getting out of bed. If that’s significant to you and something that you find hard but you manage to do it, then that’s more courageous and inspiring that adrenaline junkies bunjie jumping for a thrill. Never sell yourself short for all the little ways in which you choose to go on living and surviving each day. You are stronger than you know. Let the peace and inner strength from really believing that wash over you, and spur you on despite your illness.
Beautiful blessings are here in this world for everyone, no matter what.
My name is Laura and I've always loved writing, so I thought- why not use my hobby as a way to inspire others. As a result, this blog was born.